I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
