I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
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I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
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I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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