I'm really into asian looking animals
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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