I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
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