You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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