There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
