Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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