Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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