it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
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The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
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i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara