Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
where are you?
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls