apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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