i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.