The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels