Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
