I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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