Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
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there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
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Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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