That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
