I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
