Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
