I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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