why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I want her autograph on my taint
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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