I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I met the friendliest cop last night
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
