Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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