you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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