I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!