...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.