I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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