I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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