The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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