it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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