3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
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My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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