My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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