when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
