I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
