I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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