I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
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I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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