she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
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I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
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And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize