I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
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