Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
