If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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