im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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