If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
