I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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