Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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