I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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