come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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