just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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