um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
