Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
