He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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