i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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