We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
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My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
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when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I love you. Go after that dick
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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