Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
